Published January 22, 2009
you had to be you
the pretty
popular
you
the one who
everybody wants
the one
everyone likes
you had to be you
but that's OK;
you're the one
i still love
i see you
everyday
and everyday
I'm amazed
they say
i have no chance
but that's OK
i still try
you had to be you
the one i dream about
the one i think about
the one i write about
the days seem darker
when you're not there
like a shade
of pure loneliness
you had to be you
the beautiful
the heart taking
you
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Hey Ghost. Hannah is very right. But she is also right in saying, Don't give up!
It has to have flair to catch anyones eye. Right now in this poem you're describing an obsession, and it's a good start. But it seems repetitive and somehow, lacking meaning at first glance.
Try again, put more emotion into it!
*edit*
after posting it i read this again. and i liked it a lot more. im not sure why. i think i read a little deeper. but its actually quite good. btw. lol.
I don't mean to be offensive, but I don't think that this poem really has a lot of dimension. It's been done so many times, the inevitability of love, that it's hard to appreciate a poem without something SPECIAL that spices it up. If this stems from your own feelings, try adding some special points to it. What is it about the other person that makes you feel so unable to escape their 'spell', so to speak? Use small things, though, and be careful not to repeat things that have been over used or things that are too general. For example; hair color? Unless something special about it sticks out, there's probably someone else with the same hair color out there. ^_^
I also had one comment here;
I don't know that 'heart-taking' is a real world. It's okay to try to use a new phrase, but not without any hint at it previously. Maybe if you'd spoken of it earlier in the poem it would coincide to the ending.
^_^ Keep at it! Don't give up!
-Hannah-